When my dad died in August, it was a surreal experience.
The grieving process since has had many layers, because to be quite honest — our relationship was pretty screwed up. But, that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t devastated when I found out he died.
I had these (albeit, naive) hopes that one day, when I had healed enough from the trauma, and was able to stand solidly in my power while around him, then I could visit him and be a part of his life without it continuing to trigger me and create further trauma.
Maybe one day we’d be able to interact just as two adult human beings doing life in the same space together (without me being the fucked up, wounded, terrified, emotionally repressed child that I became whenever I was around him).
I thought if I had done enough healing, one day, I could finally be my authentic self around him without fear of repercussion.
Perhaps this was all a pipe dream, though.
Perhaps we weren’t ever really meant to have a reconciled relationship as two adults, both contently living their own lives. Perhaps the lesson was about learning to have strong boundaries, and prioritizing my own healing and my own needs in order to finally be able to have a fulfilling life that wasn’t about “fixing” my dad and being his emotional caregiver.
I tried for a very long time to help him. But, the truth is, that’s just too much for a child to have to bear. No child should feel obligated to abandon their own needs in order to “fix” their parent.
It turns out, it’s not the child’s job to be the parent; it’s the parent’s job to take care of the child.
If the adult in the situation is not able to be a parent to their child, then the child has no obligation to stick around, and abandon the prospect of a happy life, just so someone is there to clean up the parent’s messes.
(to be honest, even if do you stick around, no matter what you do, they will never learn how to live a happy and healthy life, and they will destroy your life in the process. Sorry, not sorry. It’s true. If a parent hasn’t learned how to love themselves and seek comfort by going inward rather than outward, there’s nothing anybody can do to help them).
It took me a while to figure out that important lesson.
But, it doesn’t mean that his death didn’t still hurt like a motherfucker.
And it doesn’t mean that it wasn’t an incredibly painful decision to essentially remove him from my life when I became a young adult. The idea of cutting him out of my life and no longer having a dad was only slightly less devastating than sticking around and hoping that one day, he’d change.
I so desperately wanted a father that I could feel safe and content around. I so desperately wanted a father that was peaceful, and kind, and knew how to take care of himself. But, that is simply not something he was ever able to give.
And so, I had to grieve the loss of a father I was never able to have. And, on top of that, I had to grieve his departure from the world, and the knowledge that we would never have a happy reconciliation.
But maybe most sadly…we would never play music together again.
🌲 🪶 🕊️ 🌸 🌈 🌀 🌊 🐚 💫 ☀️ 🪻 💖 🪷 🧚 🌷 🌼 🌻 🍄 🌱 🌿 🪵 🐋 🕸️ ✨
In August, when I got the call from my mom, I was in complete shock. I felt like I didn’t know which way was up, and momentarily forgot how to function like a normal human being.
I didn’t know what to do.
I called my former partner, who was still my best friend at the time, and he had beautiful advice. Why don’t you just go sit with Grandmother Tree for a while? You always do that when you’re feeling overwhelmed, right?
I was so thankful for the reminder.
So, that’s what I did.
I went to visit Grandmother Tree. I offered my tobacco. I played my drum. I sang some music. I sat. And I cried.
Despite the intense sadness and overwhelming feelings of unhinged unraveling, visiting Grandmother Tree was a beautiful, spiritual moment.
A moment where I’ve probably felt more connected to the spiritual world than I ever have (in a future post, I’ll be writing about the detailed experience of this specific moment. But in the meantime, the main takeaway was that I was deeply grateful to be able to just sit under this magnanimous tree and feel completely held while I wept.)
Speaking of my former partner who gave me the beautiful advice to visit Grandmother Tree while I grieved — losing him was intensely painful as well.
And another tree elder of mine, Grandfather Oak, helped to remind me that everything was going to be ok, even though our breakup left me feeling utterly distraught and powerless.
Unfortunately, powerlessness seemed to be a theme in our relationship.
In January of last year, we realized that despite our genuine efforts to end toxic cycles of co-dependence that we learned from our families, we just couldn’t seem to break free from it all.
I found that our dynamic often sent me into a spiraling descent of panic, losing trust in myself, prioritizing the relationship above everything else, and ultimately losing my power in the process.
Sadly, my partner was experiencing similar cycles of losing his power and losing himself in the relationship.
It got to a point where even though we loved each other deeply, we were both interfering with one another’s ability to learn and grow, and were doomed to repeat unhealthy, learned behaviors that we were both earnestly trying to shake.
Even though we both knew that it was for the best to end the relationship, it doesn’t mean this loss didn’t still hurt like a motherfucker. It’s a devastating process to lose your best friend.
I didn’t know what to do.
So, I went to visit Grandfather Oak, because I felt so lost I literally could not think of anywhere else to go.
And there he was. In his 300 year-old majesty. Minding his own business, and watching all the people as they came and went. And he just sits. Nothing phases him. The unwavering power emanating from this 300 year-old elder always hits me like a ton of bricks.
I offered my tobacco. I played my drum. I sang some music. I sat. And I cried.
And eventually, I remembered my own power. And eventually, I remembered that actually…everything was going to be ok.
💖…
I have done some of my best crying while sitting under trees. And I am so grateful for this.
… 💖
Note: These audio excerpts are from an interview I had last year on the radio show ‘Dream Life Radio’ with Lisa B Kelley and Jaguar Mary X.
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